Today something startling happened and work and I ended up leaving early. Someone shoplifted (as usual) which always gets me shook up even though I don't show it. This time they decided to knock me out of the way and physical contact with someone I already get bad vibes from-- just yeah..i couldn't deal with it (ha, ha I got all hippie on you) . My boss (honestly, I work with the most understanding people in the whole world) let me finish the day right then and there. I just had to wait for some cops to file a report with.
I was not alone in waiting. A great friend of mine had stopped by on his day off a few minutes before everything happened and he ended up staying with me the entire time, dealing with my weird emotions, totally there for me as always (thank you, love!). I know there are no coincidences. It was awesome that he just happened to be there on a day that he wasn't suppose to be.
I'm home now and on the way here i began to wonder, Why was it so hard for me to finish the day after the incident? Its not like I was badly hurt. Its not that it was the most horrible thing that has ever happened. I have seen worse, been struck harder, been alone to deal and still found a way to organize my feelings so I can still get done everything I had to get done. During high school for example, during one day the following things were felt/ happened on a daily basis:
- My parents were in the middle of a messy adulterous divorce and I had to deal with hearing mom gush about her secret beau or listen/ see my dad kick in a door because of his sadness/anger-pain.
- Somehow comfort my little bro who couldn't deal with hearing the loud arguing
- School drama, someone stole my bf, someone thinks i stole there bf, half the school thinks I'm a lesbian, etc
- Drama drama: play rehearsals/ hip hop crew rehearsals
- Oh AND i was secretly in love with someone for about 2 years. Got together in the end though.
College was crazier because the work load got worse. But somehow, I always found a way to deal. And if this happened to me then, I think i would be at work right now finishing my shift. But here I am home and I feel like I am cowering. But who do I have to prove anything to?
I need to over flow with love, I have to. I want to feel bigger and stronger and more open with every decision I make and every feeling I feel. Last night, walking to my building I felt tough and in control but that was only for a minute. Lately I have been feeling small, alone, closed off.
Did anyone else feel like this in there early mid twenties? I feel like I am going through quarter-life menopause or something. I mean my cycle has changed a bit and DAMN all these emotions!
Ok--I hope the monthly cycle thing wasn't TMI but seriously wtf?
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