Back and Tanned :)

I had tons of fun, heart to heart talks, beach, ocean and vacating this on my vacation for the past 5 days in sunny DR and yes I brought the sun back with me so, your welcome for the good weather.

You can tell how relaxed I have been, beginning my post with a run on sentence. (naughty- NAUGHTY!!)

Anywho--pictures to come of course. Not of me. I dont like to show my face on the blogosphere. Its already enough that I am on facebook.

I am too sleepy to detail the trip the way I want to at the moment but i do want to talk about one thing in particular:

You cannot escape your problems by flying away.

Its a mind thing. No matter where you are you have to get your mind out of the fuck that its in. Or else you are going to carry it around with you like a big suitcase with a broken wheel (im a bit sad that my luggage broke today :/ ).

I left relaxed and I managed to stress myself out in the first 2 hours of being back in NY. And FOR WHAT? Making plans. Feeling desperate. You know I always hate to describe this as a problem but how can a person make you feel this great and this fucked at the same time. How.

Anyway, I need to go to bed. But before that. I will engross myself in Harry Potter and The Half-blood Prince in order to prepare myself for the release of the movie on the 13th.

By the way, I have narrated this entire thing in a British accent in my head because I just watched Bridget Jones' Diary with my mum..yes mum.

Vacation!

So my vacation started at exactly 5pm today but i had some things to take care of after work and now i am too tired to have the proper amount of excitement. I am assuming when it finally hits me, i react in a similar way Kevin McCalister reacts at exactly 4 min and 20 secs into the following clip:

Picture of the Day!

This is a little piece of the morning. I was waiting for my train at 5am (yum). One of the perks of having the early shift at work is I get to watch the sun rise on the way. Also I get to leave early, but I was so tired that i couldn't properly do anything once i got home. It was strange. My body was done for the day but my mind was still running wild with thoughts AND i was very aware of my heartbeat. it was like my body was so quiet that my heart was more audible.

I thought this sunrise was beautiful and wanted to share it. It looks like the way I have been feeling these days: romantic, hopeful, and vibrant..and damn proud of it!

Lucky

God has a weird way of letting me know how good I really have it.

Today something startling happened and work and I ended up leaving early. Someone shoplifted (as usual) which always gets me shook up even though I don't show it. This time they decided to knock me out of the way and physical contact with someone I already get bad vibes from-- just yeah..i couldn't deal with it (ha, ha I got all hippie on you) . My boss (honestly, I work with the most understanding people in the whole world) let me finish the day right then and there. I just had to wait for some cops to file a report with.

I was not alone in waiting. A great friend of mine had stopped by on his day off a few minutes before everything happened and he ended up staying with me the entire time, dealing with my weird emotions, totally there for me as always (thank you, love!). I know there are no coincidences. It was awesome that he just happened to be there on a day that he wasn't suppose to be.

I'm home now and on the way here i began to wonder, Why was it so hard for me to finish the day after the incident? Its not like I was badly hurt. Its not that it was the most horrible thing that has ever happened. I have seen worse, been struck harder, been alone to deal and still found a way to organize my feelings so I can still get done everything I had to get done. During high school for example, during one day the following things were felt/ happened on a daily basis:

• My parents were in the middle of a messy adulterous divorce and I had to deal with hearing mom gush about her secret beau or listen/ see my dad kick in a door because of his sadness/anger-pain.
• Somehow comfort my little bro who couldn't deal with hearing the loud arguing
• School drama, someone stole my bf, someone thinks i stole there bf, half the school thinks I'm a lesbian, etc
• Drama drama: play rehearsals/ hip hop crew rehearsals
• Oh AND i was secretly in love with someone for about 2 years. Got together in the end though.

College was crazier because the work load got worse. But somehow, I always found a way to deal. And if this happened to me then, I think i would be at work right now finishing my shift. But here I am home and I feel like I am cowering. But who do I have to prove anything to?

I need to over flow with love, I have to. I want to feel bigger and stronger and more open with every decision I make and every feeling I feel. Last night, walking to my building I felt tough and in control but that was only for a minute. Lately I have been feeling small, alone, closed off.

Did anyone else feel like this in there early mid twenties? I feel like I am going through quarter-life menopause or something. I mean my cycle has changed a bit and DAMN all these emotions!

Ok--I hope the monthly cycle thing wasn't TMI but seriously wtf?

Analyzing Dreams

So I have been doing a lot of thinking. I even wrote (started to write, rather) an essay on love.
opening line: I cannot ignore these feelings any longer by doing mundane things. It's more exhausting to ignore them than to feel them.

All of that thinking and processing of course led me to having a very exciting dream. Here are some of the symbols from my dream analyzed:

Fish
Fish are lucky in dreams, representing spiritual growth and transformation.To see fish swimming in your dream, signifies insights from your unconscious mind. (ok I already knew my mind was trying to tell me something, but what?)

Dock
If others are on the dock with you, you need to strengthen your friendships.

Beach
The beach in your dream symbolizes the meeting between your two states of mind. The sand represents your rational brain, while the water symbolizes your irrational and emotional aspects. To dream that you are on the beach and looking out toward the ocean indicates unknown and major changes that are occurring in your life. (Yeeees Jackpot!)

Ocean
Dreams about the ocean are strong signals from the unconscious mind. A peaceful sea suggests the dreamer is comfortable with herself and her sexuality. (hmmm..)

Train
Dreams of riding a train symbolize your journey along life's path, especially in the realm of romance. (I hope its to somewhere good)

Room
If the room was very tiny, it symbolizes a lucky last-minute escape from a bad mistake.

White (walls)
A good dream omen.

Paris
This beautiful city is a symbol of gaiety and predicts a season of carefree social activity--but be careful not to get drawn into doing things you cannot easily afford.

Cell Phone
In the world of dreams, a cell phone represents a barrier to communication, not a convenience

Interesting...

No White Flags Here

So I listened to "White Flag" by Dido the other day and realized that it describes what is going on with me perfectly. And that is why it is on my new playlist for your listening enjoyment.

Hazy, misty, coming from within sensations do not lie! The body doesn't lie. So why the f does this hurt so much sometimes.. Like i said in earlier "I need a vacation from you. Wanna come?" Fucking drastic measures need to be taken.

Thank God that i am actually going on vacation ( and with someone else. someone platonic) bc if I was in New York on my week off I would probably so the same things that I do all the time.

It takes too much brain power and with all the thought I put into this-- I shouldn't even be writing this right now. I shouldn't be blasting this to society. I wish i could truly and honestly explain myself to ANYONE. Someone who won't judge but will have some sort of insight to what the fuck-- But I can't. To most people its childish.

Newest Vintage Comeback = 3 D Shades

So far I have seen 2 gay men and a handful of hipsters (sexuality unknown) rocking these babies. I tried a pair that one of said gays was wearing tonight.

To be even cooler i tried them on indoors at night.


Yeah, I'm in with the in crowd.

Chase Bank Parking Lot = New Lovers Lane?

Walking home from train to my building about 20min ago slightly inebriated, i decided to focus on the simple things that i overlook on a daily basis. Like the street signs that glisten in the glow from the rain and traffic lights, or the Dunkin Donuts late night pick up window dude, or the oasis that is the Chase bank parking lot.

I pass it every day but never really take a good look. It is quite gorgeous in the glare of the streetlights. Little bushes in different shades of green surround it. Smooth pavement. A space behind the bank (part of the drive thru of the bank.) It intrigued me. I wanted to know more. Better yet, i wanted to make out.

It was a strange feeling to feel. Passing by something so long and out of nowhere you feel its potential sexuality. I wasn't attracted to the bank or the bank parking lot itself, but rather the idea of fooling around in that space.

I settled for a quickie iPhone picture. But one day, one special day (preferably night) I will have my way with someone in that parking lot...and that parking lot will in turn have its way with me.

On a more romantic note...

Have you ever felt that something was so incredibly possible that you can feel it touching your skin as you are thinking about it? You can feel the anticipation, the weather, the energy, your breathing pattern--everything about the moment that is being created in your mind? Your future felt through your thoughts.
I am not speaking about wanting one type of thing. This is about a calling. Being called to a certain person, place, vocation. No matter how far fetched (i need to STOP using that word!) no matter how long the wait is--the mind can create worlds. That is why i named this blog created to create and the address is "dreams create worlds" because it is the f-ing truth. Dreams do create worlds. Signs do exist. And the mind can take you anywhere. If you go there in the mind, you can go there physically. The only thing that is holding you back is your belief system. Do you believe what you are creating? And when you feel butterflies in your tummy when you are simply thinking (that was an oxymoron, thinking is ever so complex as it is simple) simply thinking about holding hands with that special someone, about standing on the top of a mountain, having a family, etc.--especially if you didn't even plan on thinking it and it just enters your mind--when you can just feel it brush your skin because its so close and real..then you are absolutely right: Its there for the receiving. Just believe.

Snuffleupagus

Thats right, I said it: Snuffleupagus. Deal with it.

So my brother brought to my attention that at some point in Sesame Street Snuffleupagus was invisible to all except Big Bird. I was like, "Pssh, no WAY!" but its true.. all true!

For 14 long years Snuffleupagus was Big Birds imaginary friend unseen by any adults on the show. Poor Snuffleupagus.

And that explains why i don't remember. I was born a year after he came out of the closet..or where ever invisible characters live before they are seen by all.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mr._Snuffleupagus for more info