up for 36 hours/ proclamations of <3

By the time i went to sleep yesterday at 10pm i had been up for 36 hours.

Why? Because i could not stop THINKING!

About what? F-ing everything. My job, acting, my looks, my body, my romantic endeavors (yeah i actually have those), and romantic aspirations. Over analysing every little thing. Not completely cynical but borderline.

So i didn't sleep and then i decided to go to work for my full shift. 6am-3pm I felt on edge the whole day. Thank God the peeps I work with are wonderful. Really they are.

Then i power napped at home for a mere 20 min. Woke up and went out with my dad to a museum opening party. It was super nice and classy. Open bar. Pretty art.

Then I went home and talked on aim for a bit. This is at the 35th hour mark of my never ending day. Lack of sleep = lack of judgement -- or maybe enhanced listening to the unheard things in life, like intuition. Long story short I once again revealed some deep rooted feelings for someone to said person. It was brief, I tried not to be overwhelming because lord knows i can be over even the smallest things. Anyway I poured a little bit of my heart out once again and received and thank you and a pat on the back..once again.

Its like I wish I could choose who i love but i really can't. I tend to be passionate about things and people that are unattainable and it just really hurts sometimes. I feel like i am constantly trying to be a knight and shining armour. Save someone, win something, make them love me, climb up to a high ranking in life. Some people are ok with just security, just the basics. I want something great. But usually something tells me to stop when its not good for me. A voice, a sign, a dream, something. I have had bunches of signs and dreams literally telling me to keep going. The crazy thing is, it hurts sometimes, but it doesn't stop me. It just makes me stronger. Its like that quote from All's Well That Ends Well:

" I know I love in vain, strive against hope;
Yet in this cap'cious and intenible sieve
I still pour in the waters of my love and lack not to loose still"

ahh Shakespeare, you know your stuff.

Ok enough. For now.

Sunday Morning Coffee

I find it charming when people drink caffeinated beverages on a Sunday. It tells me, "I wanna be awake for my life, not just my work."

I don't remember the last time i blogged but i can safely say that since that point life has progressed in a positive way. I'm working less at the day job, spending more time with family and friends, performed in another show with my company--I feel like i am definitely going in the right direction.

I had a dream last weekend. A prophetic dream. In the dream a stranger told me to stick with the performing arts and encouraged me that this was the right road to be on. I know dreams have symbolic freaky meanings and most things aren't literal but it is rare that someone stops my looks me in the eye and tells me what i have to do. It has only happened to me once before in a dream and I truly believe that what was said will come true.

Well, like i was saying, Its charming to see someone with a warm breakfast beverage such as tea or coffee meant to wake them up on the weekend. Not one of those Red bulls and what not. Takes the tradition out of the whole scene. To me drinking a Monster or something signals "Party time!" I sit here calmly on this Sunday afternoon with my Tazo Awake tea making the choice to be present for every moment of my day.